Disenchanted

*A note about this post, and posts to follow: This blog began as a fun way to share my opinions and ideas on pregnancy and parenting. I see this morphing into a way for me to reflect on my choices as a parent and a human being in general. 


Dear Angie,

We are in difficult days as a country, and it is heartbreaking. When a parent becomes sad, overly-reflective, disenchanted, what does that mean for their parenting? Well, obviously, it suffers. Sadness and frustration takes robs you of the energy you need to give to others.

Yesterday, I heard from a friend at our church whose extended family has suffered a terrible tragedy. That information was the last thing I could handle before just breaking down in tears. I am sad, but more than anything I am frustrated. I'm frustrated that people who need help cannot get it. I'm frustrated about the type of gun we can legally buy in this country. I'm frustrated that when I get on facebook, I see more and more divides, and worse, that I feel walls building between myself and former neighbors, classmates, friends.

Something has to give. I know that change will not be swift in coming to the approach toward gun control and the attitude toward mental illness. But I am in control of my facebook usage. And I'm taking a break. I love facebook. I love seeing the pictures. I love that I can communicate easier. But I am tired of the noise. And when I'm honest with myself, I know that I waste a lot of time on the thing.

I'm praying to find solutions. I'm praying for peace. And I'm certain that this choice is leading me in the right direction.

Back to Work

Dear Angie-

So you're headed back to work. Ten years I've been a working mom, and if I do say so myself, I'm pretty good at it. You are lucky: you had a mother who was a wonderful example of how to do what so many refer to as a balancing act. And now you can be little Lauren's example.

Now, at first I sort of hated being a working mom. It was a bit of a journey to get to the nice place I'm in now. Here is what I learned along the way.

1. You have to love your job and be proud of what you do. Why the hell would you want to spend hours away from your child doing something you weren't excited about? The more excited you are about work, the easier it is to be there — with or without kids in the picture.

2. You have to find a balance that makes sense for your family and your career. Balance can mean a number of things. For some it means that some weeks you have to give more time or energy at work, and other weeks where home and family will demand a bit extra. That's okay. For me, I try very hard to make sure that when I'm at work, I'm fully at work. I am not calling the daycare or e-mailing the school. But then when I'm at home, I am 100% family-minded. It isn't the solution for every mom, but it works for me.

3. No childcare option is perfect. Something will always annoy you about the situation. Try not to thing about it, and instead focus on the great friendships that your daughter will form and how much care she is shown throughout the day. No child can have too many people loving him or her. That is a wonderful thing, even if she cries when she has to go home. (Ignore that stab to the heart.)

4. If you want to be the first person to see your child crawl or walk, then tell daycare that you don't want to hear about it if she does it there first. What are the chances that I saw all three of my children's firsts? Very slim. But how many times did our daycare provider tell me about them, instead of me telling her? NONE. She just lets me believe that all the first steps were in our home. And that is what I love about her.

5. It isn't her fault that you are separated all day, so don't make her lose out on sleep to make up for it. I see it all the time. Parents are sad that they can't spend more hours with their children, so they keep them up longer than they should. Sleep habits are so important to the well-being of young children, and they need 10-12 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Plus, you need to have some time with just your spouse every single day.

6. But the single most important thing I've learned is you (and your spouse) are the best judge for your family. Not a book. Not a daycare. Not a know-it-all aunt. If something you read, even on this blog, doesn't feel right for you, then ignore it. You will have your own style of parenting that will be best for your family. Just take the time to figure out what that style is, and more importantly, make sure you and your spouse share it. (But that, my dear, is another post or two.)

Have a wonderful first week back! And don't for a second feel guilty about enjoying your work. A job you love is a blessing!

Love,

Julie