Soon

Dear Angie-

Soon ... you will begin an amazing new love affair.

Soon ... you will wonder why no one ever told you how amazing being a mother felt. But then you will realize all sorts of people have actually told you this. Its just that no one had ever adequately captured what you feel in words, because there are no words to capture this intensity.

Soon ... you will look at your husband with a new admiration. He will become even more adorable and enduring when you see him through her eyes.

Soon ... you will look at your own parents with new eyes.

Soon ... you will see yourself as nothing short of amazing. You will feel giving and strong and capable of an infinite amount of love. You will be proud of yourself — you brought a brilliant being into the world.

Soon ... life will change forever.

ten years down, a life time to go...

Dear Angie-

I'm sorry I have neglected this site for so long. I am a terrible blogger.

I've been working on something for myself, but I think it is applicable to the purpose of this blog, so I will post it here. Enjoy!

Julie

Last month, I hit an important milestone. I have been a parent for ten years. From the beginning, my son Noah has been an easy-going, respectful child. He has taught me a few things about children and life in general these past ten years. In honor of his tenth birthday, here are ten of the most important lessons I’ve learned.

You often do not get what you expect, but that is almost always a good thing.
Noah was nine pounds, one ounce when he was born. Three weeks later he weighed 12 pounds. At six months, he was 18 pounds. I fully expected to have a brute of a boy; one who would play football like his dad. But last year in fourth grade, my son was the third smallest in his class. And he has a heart condition that would make competitive sports a poor idea. But no matter, because the last thing in the world that Noah would EVER want to do is play football. In fact, he only watches the sport for the food I tend to make on game day. What I didn’t expect was that his love of reading would rival my own, and that he would think about food like he was the male version of Julia Child. These unexpected interests and personality traits are incredibly enduring to me, though I never could have imagined them back when I was changing that big boy’s diapers.

A lot of the decisions you make in the beginning really aren’t all that important in the long run.
New parents make many of conscience decisions regarding the rearing of their new babies, especially in recent years. Ten years after the fact, there is an outstanding chance that you won’t remember when you took away their pacifier or when you let them cry it out or when you started solids. These things we research and even agonize over haven’t been that important in the long run...with a few exceptions. I remain incredibly confident and proud of my decision to breastfeed (ten years and zero ear infections). I believe all parents should introduce their infants to books. And I think newborns should be held and cuddled as much as maternity leave allows, just because it is good for everyone.

Parenting gets progressively more subjective, and therefore more challenging.
Confession: I still agonize over countless decisions regarding Noah (can he stay home for an hour or two, can he ride his bike somewhere alone, etc.), so perhaps I haven’t learned the above lesson as well as I would like to believe. However, the decisions my husband and I make today seem like they will have longer-lasting consequences. Giving too much responsibility before he’s ready seems risky. Too many privileges is bad, too. But if we don’t allow him to explore his independence and new experiences, aren’t we ignoring a huge part of our responsibility as parents? Finding the appropriate challenge is tricky for me as a parent of a tween. I can’t even imagine the challenges of parenting a teen.

Comparing your child to other children is a rarely a good idea.
Truth be told, this one is a work in progress. I compare my children to each other, to the kids in daycare, to the child I don’t even know at the pool. I know that there is little to be gained from doing this, but I can’t help it! As infants, I was worried if they didn’t roll over as soon as the younger child next door. As toddlers, I can’t help myself from mentally noting the age and height of other tots at the pool, feeling a great relief when I notice that they are still in swim diapers like my own children. But that is so stupid. You forget about these milestones quite soon after they are achieved, which they almost always are! When you compare, you are showing your worry. And worrying about many of these things is a waste of time. Sky couldn’t count to 10 until she was four. It was weird and worrisome, but she aces her math tests now, so I don’t think she was harmed by this at all. Now if I could only remember it and apply it elsewhere!

My mother-in-law deserves a lot of love and respect.
The amount of love I feel for Noah and his two sisters is immeasurable. If I take the time to think about what they mean to me, how I feel about them, the feeling is so intense that it can bring me to tears. I become convinced that no one else in the world will ever love them as much as I do.

But then I think of how much I love my husband—another intense and immeasurable love. And I recognize that his mother feels the same about him as I feel about my children. Yet she was willing to share him with me. It takes a lot of strength and love to keep your children close, but even more to share them with others.

I finally get how my parents feel about me.
Like anyone who grows up in a healthy family, I’ve always known my parents love me. But I couldn’t understand the extent of that love until I feel that parental love myself. I didn’t understand that my mom was sad when I was sick or heartbroken or just plain confused. I may not parent exactly like my mother and father, but I always aspire to love with the same steady, unconditional love the possess and give to all nine of her children equally.

Boys are different from girls.
I know what you are thinking: Duh. Of course they are different. Why didn’t you know that? I knew it in the general sense, but I didn’t fully grasp what that meant in terms of interpersonal relations. In contrast to my daughter, Noah does not report on daily events. He doesn’t tell me when someone has hurt his feelings. I could not tell you what kids in Noah’s class were especially funny or outgoing or aggressive, because he has never commented on any of these things. I used to worry that he was bottling things up, that he had all these secret struggles. Until my husband made it very clear that these sort of things rarely entered a boy’s radar. I believe the response to my impassioned speech of concerns was, “He’s not a girl.” Short, sweet, and to the point.

We live in an extroverted society.
We like outspoken leaders in this country. We like people who make friends easily and are at the center of every party. After all, we notice them before we notice the insightful person who would prefer to give their attention to one or two people at the time. I have no beef with extroverts. I think they are delightful and I have a family and circle of friends full of them. I just sometimes worry that my introverted son will be missed in the crowd. Or worse, that he’ll be misunderstood.

In preschool, Noah’s teacher, who I like very much, suggested that we might want to wait to send him to kindergarten in the fall. There were no academic concerns. He just seemed to prefer watching other kids from the sidelines, rather than getting in the thick of play. I asked if he seemed unhappy or if it seemed like he wanted to join in. The teacher said that he actually seemed quite content. That was just who Noah was. When he was a baby, he preferred to sit in his seat rather than being held. He doesn’t mind being alone to think, in fact, like any introvert, he needs this recharge time.

And so society, remember, introverts are not particularly sad or wistful or wishing they were playing cars with a half dozen loud boys. They are happy to build their block tower in peace.

Children have a very short time to be children, so let them be.
My children did not begin any sort of formal education until preschool at age four. I know that there are two-year-olds who write their names and identify letters. I think that is amazing. But my kids just were not motivated in that way. They wanted to draw and play make believe and dance and make up songs. And I was far better at nurturing these activities than I was at teaching them, so we rolled with it. Now that they are older, their are countless activities available to them. But running to activity after activity leaves little time for family and just being a carefree kid, so they each can choose one activity. It’s just enough to teach them responsibility and a skill of some sort, but it isn’t overwhelming or too demanding. My kids will have their entire lives to give of their time and energy. I’d like their childhood to be a time when they can relax, create, and find the wonder in life.

Only God could bless me this way.
I grew up with faith, but as a parent, my belief system is strong and unwavering. I feel that faith itself is a blessing by God, but how could I doubt when I have three living, breathing examples of God’s love with me every day. This faith is what keeps me sane as a parent too. Whenever my concerns over Noah’s health or Sky’s dark moods become too much, I am able to turn it over to God and know that they — and the rest of us — are safe in His hands. This is such a gift and my prayers for my family and friends are almost always, “Please, God, give them strength and give them faith!”

"Pretty and Pregnant" or "Fat and Unfashionable"?

Dear Angie,

The following is an actual quote from a pregnancy book I received as a gift when I was pregnant with Noah. (Note that this was approximately ten years ago, not twenty as you may suspect.)

A pregnant woman's best friend can be her husband's closet. It's all there for the taking...oversized T-shirts and regular shirts that look great over pants or under jumpers (try belting them under the belly for an interesting silhouette), sweatpants that will accommodate more incjes than yours will, running shorts that will keep up with your waistline for at least a couple more months, belts with the few extra notches you need.

Take it in. Take all that amazing fashion advice in. When your husband is seven inches taller than you are, like mine is, this is incredibly bad advice. If your husband is closer to your size, chances are you will outgrow his clothing sooner or later and go flying into a depression. And even if the clothes fit, in general terms, clothing cut for a man will not, under any circumstances, fit the curves of a pregnant woman. Great advice, What to Expect book.

While I never resorted to wearing men's clothing, I did make a huge fashion mistake. I wore something very similar to this number (but stonewashed for extra specialness).

Yes, those are maternity overalls. If you don't already look bloated, these will get you to that place in no time. And the worst part: I think I dropped about forty bucks on those puppies. Hideous.

Somewhere along the line, I figured out that being pregnant wasn't an excuse to give up. I had a few things I really liked to wear by my last pregnancy. Like this blue shirt. (Old Navy maternity clothes have such a nice fit.)

But my favorite clothes ended up being ones that weren't even in the maternity section. There are loads of shirts that are very forgiving of a budding belly. Plus you don't feel totally ridiculous wearing them when you are just starting to show, and you don't feel terrible wearing them for a couple weeks after the baby. My favorite non-maternity preggo fashion? The dress I wore to your wedding. (Yep, I was six months pregnant here.)

I am no fashion queen, but it seems to me that today's maternity fashions are really heading in the right direction. If you are active and eating healthy, there are parts of your body that will continue to look good. Why not show off those slender arms or shoulders? If you have nice legs, give them their due glory. I know that some people don't like the tight shirt look, but I think it is great to embrace the belly a bit, especially when it is as cute as yours!

And finally, don't feel guilty about spending money on clothes you will only wear a few months. Who cares? You deserve to feel good and look good! Just be sure to save a bit in the budget for when you hit about 34 weeks. A new outfit or even just a shirt can go a long ways when all you can think about is meeting your baby.

Love, Julie

In response to your comments . . .

Dear Angie,

It has been two weeks since all of your great comments appeared. They are just want I needed to get me rolling. Thank you!

Here is what I have to say about what you had to say.

Angie wrote: It is really hard to get dressed every day. I feel like I am in this inbetween stage where the maternity clothes are too big, but my regular clothes are getting quite tight and not so attractive. People tell me my dress is cute and I blurt out, "I'm pregnant" just so they don't think I am just fat. What's up with that??

I say: Oh my gosh, that is the worst stage! But I am pretty sure no one would assume "fat" before "pregnant" looking at cute you. I also hate to tell you that you might be in "in-between land" for weeks or even months. I was more than six months pregnant, standing in a line, having able bodied sixty-year-old woman budging in front of me. (Uh...Jersey.) And when I told them, "Hey, you just budged in front of a tired pregnant woman!" (But in a quite, sweet Midwestern way...) they looked at me like I was crazy! So maybe you should get a bunch of tight t-shirts printed with phrases like "Coming soon," "baby-growing season," or the direct "it's a baby, not fat."

Angie wrote: I think it's time to embrace the bump, but what a weird feeling to get bigger when we spend so many years of our lives trying to stay in shape and maintain our weight. It is definitely different! I am going to go to my Zumba class tonight, but I'm afraid this may be one of my last classes for a while. I love it so much, but I think I push myself too hard and then I don't feel very good afterwards, so I need to find an alternative. I have been walking when I can and I love my prenatal yoga classes on Saturday mornings, but is that enough? I don't want to push it too hard, but I also want to maintain a certain level of fitness. My thought is that I need to start swimming, so hopefully I will get into that soon!

I say: I spent two pregnancies not giving a flying monkey about how in shape I was. That was a big mistake. It wasn't that I was particularly uncomfortable—I was young and have a remarkably long torso with lots of room for a baby. But afterward, I didn't feel like myself for a very long time. I can't help but think my physical health impacted my mental health. So with Isla, I was determined to stay in shape. I wanted to keep running because I read about countless women running throughout their pregnancy. I wanted to work my legs with the squats and lunges I was used to. But then I started spotting. Dumb, dumb, dumb. And even more dumb is that I continued to try and do squats and lunges a few more times, which always resulted in spotting. Finally, I got it. You have to listen to your body, even when the message is not what you want to hear.

Check out the Fit Pregnancy magazine web site. They have many circuit workouts that are designed to not only keep you in shape, but to prepare your muscles for childbirth, which is absolutely the most important and amazing workout of your life.

Swimming, water aerobics, and walking are perfect workouts. I know that a walk is no where near the intensity of a Zumba class, so trade in intensity for length.

Angie wrote: Another issue...sleep! I have had a very hard time adjusting to sleeping on my left side. I am a back sleeper and like eating sushi, that is a big no-no! I finally just paid $60 for this pillow called a Snoogle. Have you heard of it? Well, I will say that in the four nights I have had it, it has done wonders for my sleeping and I hope that continues!

I say: I hope your Snoogle is still working! Sleeping on your side is annoying. But I am pretty sure I have read multiple times that if you end up on your back, your body will wake itself up if need be. Good luck on getting lots of rest the second half of your pregnancy!

Angie wrote: On an exciting note, I am pretty sure that I felt the baby move for the first time today and what a wonderful feeling that was!! It was on the way to work and I also felt it a few more times throughout the day! If that isn't what it is, then I don't know what is going on!

I say: I am sure you are feeling the baby move all the time by now. It is a great feeling! Since you are so thin, you will get quite the show in another month or two. Some people think it is creepy to see the baby dancing away, but I think it is fascinating! A bit alien-like, yes, but fascinating.

On another note, isn't Miss Brooklyn beautiful? Boy, Bob and Krysta make some attractive children. Soon we will all be gushing over your little one!

Have a wonderful week!

Love,

Julie

Babymoons!

Dear Angie-

I apologize for the delay in posting. My life has veered off its normal course and filled with travels or company for a few weeks straight. Traveling with three children complicates things. For some reason you feel like you are traveling twice as many miles, only to do half the amount of things you could do without children in tow.

Which makes me wonder if you realize how important it is to take a babymoon — that is a trip expectant parents take together before their world is flipped upside down and inside out! It can simply be a weekend at a hotel, a time to celebrate who you are as a couple and who you are to become.

When we were expecting Noah, we were, to put it bluntly, poor. Yet, we were determined to take a little getaway to Woodstock, NY. We window shopped and ate and enjoyed the freedom of having a (rental) car, after being without a vehicle for months. And when it was time to go home...well, I really didn't want to. I was so relaxed and happy and . . . well, scared. I was scared of how my life was going to change in just sixteen weeks. For some reason, I thought if I could somehow stay in upstate New York, I could keep things the same.

Life changes all the time. We can't stop it. We can't speed it up. We can only treasure the time we are in. In a few months, you will desperately want the days of pregnancy to be over and to be holding your baby in your arms. But you have forty weeks for a reason; try to relax, enjoy them, and treasure your time as husband and wife before you must also be mom and dad.

Love, Julie

Sites I love

Dear Angie-

I saw your parents, the grandparents-to-be, on Easter. Oh, how proud and excited they are!

I am not sure what to write about this week. What is going on with you? What things are you thinking about? Inspire me.

I did want to pass along some of my favorite web sites. Perhaps you already know them all!

Lil Sugar is where I head to see the latest kid fashions and read up on loads of fun and useful baby, kid, and parenting stuff.

ParentDish provides links to the latest child-development studies, as well as interesting articles on all topics parent related.

And when I want to compare myself to the more genetically advanced, I head over to Celebrity Babies. Too fun and too cute for words!

Miss you and happy baby growing!

Love, Julie

A bit more about food...

Dear Angie,
So last week, I sort of encouraged you to eat stuff they say you shouldn't. Yes, I know. I am a total rebel. This week, my advice on what you should not eat: Do not eat things that translate to the words "little piggy."

Yes, I learned this the hard way. When I was preggo with Noah, I was obsessed with Taco Bell's gorditas. I LOVED them. I would walk blocks and blocks out of my way to pick me up the meal deal: (it makes me cringe to write it out) not one, but TWO gorditas, a soft shell taco, and 16 ounces of soda. ACK! It was years later when someone told me that gordita means "little piggy" in Spanish. No wonder I gained...drumroll...55 pounds, ladies and gentlemen!

So even though I am sure you will have picture perfect weight gain, if you have a bad month, do not panic! Just think to yourself, "At least I am not a little piggy."

Love, Julie

Your pregnancy diet

So you've had your first doctor appointment, where they hand you a folder or book (sometimes both) full of pregnancy dos and don'ts. One of the topics in there is a list of foods that you cannot have. They include things like sushi, soft cheeses, and deli meat—all of which can carry a form of food poisoning called listeria. You are also supposed to limit your hot dogs and caffeine. And in some countries, they advise you to avoid shellfish and peanuts; thank God the U.S. has not jumped on that train.

For some reason, when a pregnant woman reads all these don'ts, her pregnancy craving becomes something on this list. I have a friend who ate so many Subway sandwiches during her pregnancy, she should have bought a franchise. Seriously.

With my second pregnancy, I wanted feta cheese so bad. Not only did I crave it, I knew it was the way to eternal internal peace. Finally, I couldn't take it any more. I went to Panera Bread and ordered the Greek salad, wiping up every last morsel of cheese with the baguette that comes with it.

And how did I feel when I was finished? Satisfied? Content? Down-right pleased with myself. No. I felt HORRIBLE! I was filled with guilt, the kind only a mother can feel. I went straight to the internet and researched listeria, convinced that if my baby made it, he or she would be permanently damaged.

But then I researched feta cheese in the United States. Guess what! The vast majority of feta in this country is pasteurized, which makes it perfectly safe for pregnancy cravings. A quick visit to the Panera web site confirmed that theirs was A-OK for me and my belly. (Why then, don't those diet lists note that most cheeses are probably okay, I don't know. Probably because men wrote them.)

The point of the whole thing is not to let these dos and don'ts freak you out if you slip. You should stay away from cigs and booze; but an occasional latte won't cause permanent damage. As long as you take general care of yourself, your body and God will do the rest.

We have some news: Telling people

Dear Angie,

Chances are you have already told nearly everyone who needs to know that you are pregnant. If not, you should really try to tell them before they start wondering. It has become a trend in certain Minnesota businesses to keep it quiet until long after the entire company is gossiping about it. No one wants to be that woman, having her breasts and belly discussed by everyone. Also, your boss should absolutely hear it from your first, but I am pretty sure you know that.

This brings me to the fact that telling people can be completely and totally awkward. When you say, "I'm having a baby!" you are also saying, "I had lots of sex!" That is pretty embarrassing for sweet little Catholic girls. I wish I could tell you that it gets easier with subsequent pregnancies, but I know for a fact that my mother did not tell one of her best friends that she was pregnant with me, her NINTH child, until said friend inquired about a rumor she'd heard — and Mom was five months along! Why didn't she tell her sooner? Because it was embarrassing! (And maybe her age and number of children had something to do with it, too. Who knows?)

You can actually order pregnancy announcements.

Because it's fun or because it saves you from embarrassment?

Women do all sorts of creative things to announce their news these days. They make t-shirts or frame photos of the sonogram. They bring cupcakes to work with the news written on it (a sure way to make your kid popular from the start). Some might argue that all this creative energy has come about because our society has become so competitive that we all want to give our children the most remarkable life from the very start. But I think it is because we are all avoiding that awkward I-had-lots-of-sex statement.

But I have some promising news for you: When it comes time for number 2, your first child can tell everyone for you. Those big bro/sis shirts are adorable and a lot less awkward that the good old fashioned announcement.

Love, Julie

So you are having a baby!

Dear Angie-

There is something magical when a couple is expecting their first baby. Every pregnancy and, of course, every child is special and amazing in their own right. But the first time you experience it, you are starting the most important job you will ever have. You are becoming a parent. (And yes, I know that is super cliche, but it is true.) The very definition of who you are changes in a very short amount of time. Think about it: It took you twenty-some years to become who you are today. And in nine short months, you will be someone new.

Now Angie, you are already an amazing person, so maybe it won't be so completely transforming. But for me, after Noah was born, I was all like, "Oh my goodness, look at me. I have become so good at being selfless and attentive and everything else a baby requires." It wasn't until Sky was born that I realized that in reality, Noah was SUPER low-maintenance and required very little of his mother. Nonetheless, parenthood did transform my thinking. Now nearly every decision I make is made as a mother. I think, "How will this effect my family?" before I think anything else. It is sort of weird and annoying sometimes, but it is good, too.

I learn something new from this whole parenting thing every day. (Okay, really, it is probably more like every week, because most nights are just a busy, repetitive cycle in which I try to feed, bathe, and bed people as efficiently as possible, all in hopes of enjoying a treat and TV with my husband.) But it all just goes to show you that you never know it all, and most of the time, you know next to nothing. So while I aim to offer valuable advice on the subjects of pregnancy and parenting, please realize there is only one thing that has been proven to work time and time again: make sure your children know that you love them and that you love your spouse. Like everything else, it all comes down to love.

I will leave you with this video, which will make you laugh, I hope. Pregnant women can't help but be a little bit smug. I mean, seriously, they are growing a person! How many people can say that?

Love, your aunt Julie